You’ll see the shift happen right in front of you. When you set and hold proper boundaries, there’s this feeling in your chest—you’ll know this young person is getting stronger, more stable, and less likely to spiral into chaos or dysfunction.

If you’re a parent of a troubled teen, you’ve probably already discovered that making up rules doesn’t work. What does work is teaching your teenager what is completely acceptable—and what is completely not.

Things will not go well if you rely on punishment. But things will go very well if you rely on boundaries.

Learn the difference, then only use the one.

A Boundary Is Not a Punishment

Punishment is when you impose your will on someone else and offer a consequence if they don’t obey. It’s as if your teenager’s behavior is attacking you, and you strike back to control it. That’s not discipline—that’s retaliation. And it doesn’t teach them anything useful.

Example of punishment:
Mom says, “I want you to clean your room. This is disgusting. I’ve had it. If you don’t clean it right now, I’m taking away your Nintendo for the rest of the day.”
(Nintendo has nothing to do with personal cleanliness. The punishment is arbitrary and disconnected.)

Please don’t do that.
It’s ineffective at building strong, capable teenagers.

Boundaries, on the other hand, are clear lines you draw around your time, your space, your values, and your expectations. They’re about you. And when they’re crossed, you respond with calm, natural consequences—not emotional reactions.

Example of a boundary:
“I worked hard for years to buy this house. I promised myself I’d live in a clean, respectful environment. Every room in this house will be kept tidy during the week and cleaned on Sundays. That includes Mom and Dad’s room, yours, your sister’s, the kitchen—everywhere. Even if the Queen of England visits, she’ll be expected to clean up after herself.

It’s Wednesday now. This needs to begin this afternoon and be done by Sunday.

If by Sunday your space isn’t up to the house standard, you won’t be allowed to enter any room until it’s clean. Not the bathroom, not your bedroom, not the living room. There won’t be lunch or dinner served, no TV, no distractions—just cleaning until the job is done. After that, we’re moving on. No grounding. No grudges. We’ll go out for ice cream and watch a movie together.

Then, Monday, you’ll give us your plan—on paper—for how you’ll stay on top of cleaning during the week. And we’ll hold you to it. You’ll also tell us one thing that would help you feel respected at home. Your dad and I will write down our plan for that and follow through.”

Please do that.
Boundaries like this, practiced across your teen’s life, are highly effective at building strong, successful young people.

Without fail, every single teenager and troubled young adult youth I know that ended up getting off drugs, out of trouble, and into responsibility had someone, somewhere, come down on them pretty hard with “boundaries” and accountability.     To this date yet, I have never witnessed anyone being punished out of drugs and alcohol, and wayward behavior.