Do you know a teenager with disappointing behavior?
Who is it that comes to mind? What’s their name? If it is someone else’s teen, you may feel opinionated. You may feel strongly about what should happen to set that person straight.
If the person that came to mind is your teenager, you may feel less opinionated and more lost. Lost at what to do next. You may have feelings of embarrassment & failure and a lack of hope for that teen that had so much potential but is now wasting away into drugs, bad behaviors, and lack of respect for anything that makes sense to you. You probably want this to stop right now and have them confront the truth of their behaviour.
You can make that happen. You can have your teen confront the truth and consequences of their own behaviour. Read this email, learn its message and put the tips provided into action.
If the person you thought of is someone else’s teen, take a small risk with your relationship and give those parents a call. Offer support and compassion, in whatever way that looks like to you, and forward them this email. Let them know that:
Drugs, alcohol, crime, dysfunction, laziness and no sense of direction are optional. Below is one step, in a proven direction.
If you are at all hesitant, give me a call and I will help you take that first step….
Does laying it out on the line for your teen feel like a good fit for your house?
Call and tell me about the struggle you are dealing with.
A lot of people confuse boundaries with rules and punishment. Making rules and punishing kids teaches very little, whereas boundaries teach a lot. Boundaries facilitate learning. When it comes to preventing a teenager from getting caught up in drugs, alcohol, criminal and unmotivated behaviour you will learn quickly that boundaries are far more effective and preventative than punishments.
You can see it with your own eyes happen right in front of you. As you use proper boundaries, you will get a feeling in your chest that this young person is literally
becoming stronger and more stable and way more unlikely to fall into chaos and dysfunction.If you are a parent with a troubled teen already, you will have already learned that making up rules just didn’t work, and total acceptability and unacceptability must be taught to your teenager.Things will not go well for you if you count on punishments. Things will go really well for you if you count on boundaries.Learn the difference between the two, then only use the one.
Does laying it out on the line for your teen feel like a good fit for your house?
Call and tell me about the struggle you are dealing with.
A Boundary Is Not A Punishment.
Punishment-
A punishment is imposing your wishes on someone else and offering a consequence if they do not obey. This is like perceiving your teenager’s behaviour as attacking you, and then you counter attack them back to get them to stop what they are doing. This is bullying. It is about the teenager.
Example: Mom says ” I want you to clean your room, this is disgusting, I have had it with this. If you don’t clean it right now I am going to take away your Nintendo for the rest of the day. Note that Nintendo’s are completely irrelevant to personal cleanliness.
It is highly ineffective at making strong and capable teenagers.
Boundaries- A boundary is a line in the sand drawn around you, your space, your time, your property, your money. It is about you. When it is crossed by anyone, there is a logical and natural response.
Example: I worked hard for years to buy this house, I had promised myself I would live in a clean environment that respects me, and everyone else in this home. Every room in this house will be kept tidy during the week, and fully cleaned on Sundays. That goes for Mom and Dad’s room, you and your sister, the living room and kitchen. If the queen of England comes over she will put away her belongings too. It is Wednesday now, this needs to begin this afternoon and be completed Sunday.
Come Sunday, if you do not have everything up to expectation you will not even be allowed to enter a room until it is cleaned to the household’s standards. Not the bathroom, not your bedroom, not the living room, and lunch and dinner will not be served nor will the TV be turned on. There will just be cleaning until the job is done. After it is done, there will be no grounding or anything like that. We will go for ice cream and watch a movie together.
Seeing as how you made us wait to have the house clean, on Monday you will provide your own action plan for keeping up on cleaning throughout the week to ensure this doesn’t happen again. This plan will be on paper and submitted to us and we will hold it to you. As well, you will let me know one thing that would really make you feel respected in this home and your father and I will keep our end of that bargain too. We will put our action plan on paper to meet your needs.
If practiced in all areas of a teenager’s life, it is highly effective at making strong and successful teenagers
Only boundaries can correct a wayward teenager
Call me and I will give you a structure you can use for boundaries
A summary of the difference between punishments and boundaries:
• Punishments are bad. They do not facilitate. Boundaries “teach”.
• Punishments come after someone has created an “offence”.
• Boundaries existed before there was an “offence”.
• Punishments are about the “offender”. Boundaries are about the “offended”.
Do not assume your teenager will have good behaviour. Do not wait for something to go wrong, freak out, and then punish your teens. Tell your teenagers what you want and what is expected. Run that house with perfect clarity, talk about everything (literally everything), and never miss a beat. Design your home to honor your children’s desires as well as never letting them get away with anything dysfunctional.
Stop being a marshmallow, stop coddling your teenagers, stop waiting for them to learn life on their own.
Be swift, be decisive, prepare your teenagers in advance, and give them a thorough experience of correcting their wrongs, and make them powerful in the process.
Listen to the audio below to hear a 12 minute story of exactly how a parent would do that
Click here
This would set a teenager straight for life.
Myself and my four kids are all great. My son is not totally out of the woods yet but he has come miles from where he was and I thank you again for your help. He is physically back to being very healthy and has not lost his love of staying very fit and keeping his love and God given talent for volleyball. It’s like we have our loving brother and son back.Our relationship is almost back to where it used to be. Please continue to send me your newsletters and know that I would recommend your help to anyone who I know needs it.
Michelle Johnson, Red Deer AB, Accountant
Get the behavior you want from your child.
I will teach you how to train the skills you want into your teen.
I will do it with you, and in extreme cases I can do it for you.
I have templates, resources, and real-life examples you can model.
Let’s talk.
Get the behavior you want from your child.
I will teach you how to train the skills you want into your teen.
I will do it with you, and in extreme cases I can do it for you.
I have templates, resources, and real-life examples you can model.
Let’s talk.
P.S. If you know another parent who is struggling, call me now. Tell me about them. I can help you get them started in a new direction. 403-391-4184.
