Do you know a teenager with disappointing behavior?

I hear this often in my career—both in real life and occasionally on TV:

“My other teens turned out fine and don’t have problems—just this one does, so it can’t be me.”

This mindset is a dangerous trap. It leads parents to step back, ignore the need for change, and simply hope their teenager will figure it out on their own. I hope this doesn’t describe you. If it does, keep reading.

This approach rarely works.

In my mid-twenties, I owned a Grand Marquis. This car was practically invincible—almost identical to the one in the photo above. Even in -40°C weather, it always started, no problem—without being plugged in. I never changed the oil. I just topped it off when needed. I never replaced the brakes, changed the fluids, or did any maintenance. Yet, it ran for over 70,000 kilometers, and I bought it with hundreds of thousands already on it. I thought I was a competent car owner because nothing ever went wrong.

Can you imagine owning a car like that? Wouldn’t it feel effortless?

With a car like that, you could drive it for 5–10 years without thinking twice. It would feel like you were the best car owner—like you knew exactly what you were doing.

But then imagine you sell that car and buy a shiny new Cadillac. You expect it to be even better. But soon, problems begin to pop up. The car overheats on hills. Sometimes it won’t start. Occasionally, there’s a loss of power when you push the gas pedal. One day, it overheats again, and this time, it’s worse. You’re stranded on the side of the road with smoke pouring from under the hood.

Would you stand there, angry, yelling at the car, complaining about your last one never breaking down? Would you stomp your feet and expect it to fix itself just because it’s not your fault?

Of course not. That would be foolish—and you’d still be stuck on the side of the road.

Here’s the reality: It doesn’t matter how your other cars ran. It doesn’t matter if you’re responsible for this breakdown. What matters is how you respond to the situation.

You’d call a tow truck. You’d take the car to a mechanic. You’d learn what went wrong and figure out why it’s malfunctioning. You’d probably even adjust your driving habits to accommodate this car’s quirks.

This is the same principle when it comes to a teenager who’s struggling. If you want to see change in your teenager, you need to do something different. You need to learn something new. You need to get educated. The problem isn’t your teenager—it’s how you choose to respond to them.

“Just because your other teens turned out fine doesn’t mean you understand why or how they worked out so well. The teen you have now is underperforming, and you are the only one who can respond.”

As a parent, you are the one with the problem.

No matter how irrational or difficult your teenager might be—whether they’re battling mental illness, struggling with substance abuse, or surrounded by dysfunctional behavior—you are still the person standing on the side of the road with a broken-down teenager and smoke rising from under the hood.

I highly recommend reaching out to a “teenager mechanic” to get the support you need. You can learn a lot about teenagers, and even if a “mechanic” can’t fix the problem for you directly, they can teach you how to address it yourself. You can learn how to “drive” your sensitive teen more effectively, ensuring you don’t become the person who runs them into the ground.