Tom Barthel Consulting

My Other Teens Don't Have Problems And Turned Out Fine, Just This One Does, So It Can't Be me.....

Do you know a teenager with disappointing behavior?

Who is it that comes to mind? What’s their name? If it is someone else’s teen, you may feel opinionated. You may feel strongly about what should happen to set that person straight.

If the person that came to mind is your teenager, you may feel less opinionated and more lost. Lost at what to do next. You may have feelings of embarrassment & failure and a lack of hope for that teen that had so much potential but is now wasting away into drugs, bad behaviors, and lack of respect for anything that makes sense to you. You probably want this to stop right now and have them confront the truth of their behaviour.

You can make that happen. You can have your teen confront the truth and consequences of their own behaviour. Read this email, learn its message and put the tips provided into action.

If the person you thought of is someone else’s teen, take a small risk with your relationship and give those parents a call. Offer support and compassion, in whatever way that looks like to you, and forward them this email. Let them know that:

Drugs, alcohol, crime, dysfunction, laziness and no sense of direction are optional. Below is one step, in a proven direction.

If you are at all hesitant, give me a call and I will help you take that first step….

Does laying it out on the line for your teen feel like a good fit for your house?

403-391-4184

Call and tell me about the struggle you are dealing with.

Parenting Tip For You

Drugs, alcohol, self-harm, and profound laziness or incompetence often take root in teenagers when left unaddressed. Problems continue to escalate, things go wrong, and desperation begins to set in for parents. Before long, heated arguments with your partner about parenting become frequent. You may become the subject of pity and gossip among friends and neighbors, and the feeling of an impending breakdown over your teenager looms ever closer.

Does laying it out on the line for your teen feel like a good fit for your house?

403-391-4184

I often hear this in my career, both in real life and occasionally on television:

“My other teens turned out fine and don’t have problems—just this one does, so it can’t be me.”

This mindset often leads parents to step back, become less curious about solutions, and simply push forward, hoping the teenager will eventually figure things out. I hope this doesn’t describe you. If it does, please keep reading.

This approach hasn’t typically worked out well for parents who believe it.

My answer to this false interpretation is simple:

In my mid-twenties, I owned a Grand Marquis. This car was invincible—nearly identical to the one in the photo above. In -40°C weather, it always started, even without being plugged in. I never changed the oil; I just added more when needed. I never replaced the brakes, changed the fluids, or did any other maintenance. Despite all this neglect, the car ran for over 70,000 kilometers, and I bought it with a few hundred thousand kilometers already on it. I thought I was a competent car owner because nothing ever went wrong.

Can you imagine owning a car like that? Wouldn’t it feel effortless?

If you had a car that started every morning, required no repairs, and never overheated, owning it would be a breeze. You could drive it for 5–10 years without worry. You might even start to believe you’re a capable car owner—maybe even good at taking care of cars.

Now imagine selling that car and buying a new one—a shiny Cadillac. Surely, it should work even better than the old Grand Marquis, right? But then problems start to arise. The new car overheats going uphill. Sometimes it won’t start. Occasionally, you feel a loss of power at the gas pedal. One day, while trying to push through another overheating episode to get up a hill, it happens: you’re stranded on the side of the road with smoke billowing from under the hood.

Would you stand there, angry, yelling at the car that your last one didn’t behave this way? Would you stomp your feet, pound on the steering wheel, and expect the car to fix itself simply because it’s “not your fault” since your other car never overheated?

Of course not. That would make you look foolish—and you’d still be stranded on the side of the road.

Here’s the reality: it doesn’t matter what your other cars did. You might not even be responsible for how long they lasted. It also doesn’t matter whether this car’s breakdown is your fault or not. What matters is how you respond to the situation.

You would call a tow truck. You’d take the car to a mechanic, learn what went wrong, and figure out why it’s malfunctioning. You might even have to adjust your driving habits to accommodate this particular car’s vulnerabilities.

The same principle applies to a teenager who’s struggling. If you want to see change in your teenager, you need to do something different. You need to learn something new. You need to get educated. The problem isn’t your teenager—it’s how you choose to respond to them.

"Just because your other teenagers turned out okay does not mean you know why or how they worked out so well. The teen you have a this moment is underperforming, and you are the only one who can respond."

"As a parent, you are the one with the problem."

Tom Barthel

No matter how irrational or difficult your teenager might be—whether they’re battling mental illness, struggling with substance abuse, or surrounded by dysfunctional behavior—you are still the person standing on the side of the road with a broken-down teenager and smoke rising from under the hood.

I highly recommend reaching out to “teenager mechanics” and getting a lesson on how to handle your teen. You can learn a lot about teenagers, and even if a “teenager mechanic” can’t fix the problem for you directly, they can teach you how to address it yourself. You can learn how to “drive” your sensitive teen more effectively, ensuring you don’t become the person who runs them into the ground.

Call me right now

403-391-4184

If you want to set your teenager straight, once and for all.

So What Do I Do Now?

  • Accept that teenagers do come with a manual—it’s called the bookstore. There, you’ll find countless books written by people who have already solved the exact problems your teenager may be facing.

  • Look up your specific situation in a book and follow the advice it offers. Learn, practice, and build your skills. Become as knowledgeable and capable as the professional you’d pay $150 an hour to consult.

  • Use what you’ve learned to solve your teenager’s problems to the best of your ability, following the guidance of experts.

  • The ideal time to start addressing a teenager’s needs is when they’re still babies, just like the best time to care for a car is when it’s brand new. If that time has passed, start today.

A Parent Who Got This To Work

Dear Tom,

I just wanted to let you know that I feel we are off to a great start and know there are challenging and painful growth in our future, but it will be well worth it. Thank you again for great information. I will wait to call you as I would like to get farther on my homework so I can take full advantage of the 30 free minutes of consultation that you are providing.

 M.N. Central AB, Health Care Professional

Call Today

Get the behavior you want from your outh.

I will teach you how to train the skills you want into your teen or young adult child.

I will do it with you, and in extreme cases I can do it for you.

I have templates, resources, and real-life examples you can model.

Let’s talk.

Call here

403-391-4184

For a quick response

P.S. If you know another parent who is struggling, I implore you to have the courage to say something to them, risk comfort, and let them know they don’t have to struggle or experiment with this.  Plenty of other parents have succeeded in their situation, your friend could always copy what they do.   

WWW. TOMBARTHELCONSULTING .COM

Tom Barthel