When a parent worries that their teenager or young adult could fall into drugs, alcohol, criminal activity, or unmotivated behavior, it is almost certain they will try to make rules to control their child’s behavior. Parents often create rules to stop bad behaviors and rules to encourage good ones.
The proper name for these kinds of rules is “boundaries.” Using the word boundaries helps identify that these limits are a clear line in the sand for behavior. Boundaries are not only about the teenager. They also protect and support the parent.
This summer I talked to a parent who had recently taken my Boundaries course and was struggling to enforce boundaries with her teenagers. She was a wonderful mom with a beautiful personality. However, when she tried to be assertive with her kids, she felt like she was being aggressive, and she did not like that feeling.
Being assertive did not sit well with her for several reasons:
• It was against her nature. She did not like aggressiveness.
• She had recently moved out a husband who had become violent with her kids.
• It felt stressful to be tough with her teenagers because they were also good natured and likeable.
• They were not bad kids, but they were undisciplined, experimenting with marijuana, and showing no drive to get employment.
Her private nightmare was simple:
She did not want her teenagers’ experimentation to lead their lives downhill and into oblivion.
She was burnt out. She was tired from earning the entire household income. She was tired of asking twice for anything to get done. She was tired of coming home to a mess and dirty dishes she had already asked them to clean. She was still emotional from a bitter breakup. And now she was supposed to raise her voice and get harsh with her teens to straighten everything out?
When does she get a break?
When does Mom get some gratitude and cooperation from the teenagers she has sacrificed so much for?
Let us identify where the innocent misstep is happening.
I helped this parent reframe the idea of boundaries. She does not need to turn into Genghis Khan to discipline her teenagers or her young adult children. A calm demeanor can be extremely effective. Below are two examples of very peaceful and loving people who were masters of boundaries with both their followers and their enemies.
Be like these two masters and your boundaries will have a powerful effect on your teenager.
Gandhi traveled across India and took a stand for what he believed in. He stood for peace, resolve, and independence from Britain. He inspired millions of people to change the very core of their attitude toward themselves and toward others.
He did this through meaningful connection combined with unwavering values.
There was no confusion about what Gandhi stood for. His boundaries were clear and unmistakable.
• He communicated that one path leads to success and one path leads to disaster.
• He confronted people with that truth and did not compromise.
• When holding his followers responsible, he created disciplinary actions no one would wish to face twice.
One of the most powerful examples is the Hindu man who came to Gandhi after murdering a Muslim man in revenge. Gandhi told him he must adopt the murdered man’s orphaned child and raise him as a Muslim. Imagine that. A Hindu man raising a Muslim child in the Muslim faith. That is responsibility of the highest level. Gandhi did not give jail or punishment. He gave accountability.
Gandhi also laid down boundaries for the British Empire. He organized massive citywide shutdowns that crippled the economy when the British refused to acknowledge the people’s rights. His boundaries played a major role in India finally gaining independence.
Notice something important. Gandhi did not need to yell or scream. He did not need to fight. What he needed was decisiveness. Parents who are yelling and arguing with their teenagers are usually missing a crucial ingredient in their discipline.
Does laying it out on the line for your teen feel like a good fit for your house?
Call and tell me about the struggle you are dealing with.
In a time when religion shaped every part of daily life, Jesus made profound claims and gave people real ultimatums about how to manage their decisions. In many ways he delivered the biggest ultimatum history has ever seen.
He never backed down from his values. He held them in front of kings and emperors. Even in the face of his own death he maintained his resolve. His clarity was so strong that it started a movement that has lasted for two thousand years. Imagine having such an impact that your teenager remembers your influence two millennia from now.
Jesus also walked from place to place helping people and sharing wisdom. After helping them, he often left them with a question or a challenge about what they were going to take responsibility for next. Sometimes he pointed out the better decisions they could have made from the start.
And then he kept walking. He left people to fend for themselves if they refused to act. He did not stay beside them for ten years. He did not coddle them, pay their rent, cover their legal fees, or rescue them from their own choices.
Jesus did not yell and scream either. Other than a few moments in the temple tipping tables, he was calm, clear, and firm. Yet he was able to stop people in their tracks with his boundaries and motivate them to change.
Gandhi and Jesus both meant business with their followers. Yet they treated people with warmth, kindness, and genuine love. You do not have to be harsh or unkind to deliver boundaries to your teens. You can love your teenagers and young adult children while making sure they scrub the toilet, clean the dishes, complete their homework, and save money to buy their own car. You can love them peacefully while holding back privileges such as dinner until responsibilities are met.
Boundaries do not require anger. They require clarity, consistency, and love that is expressed through firm expectations and real accountability.
If you or a parent you know could use the feelings above.
Call now, I will teach you how to get those results.
If you do not feel like being Genghis Khan with your teenagers, then be like Gandhi or Jesus Christ. Take a stand, get the job done, and deliver your boundaries with confidence. Do not back down. Be decisive, be firm, be peaceful, and be loving all at the same time.
Here is a simple place to start:
• Make a list of six deal breakers you want to see enforced in your home and in your relationship with your children.
• Read this list every day until you feel the conviction that these six deal breakers must happen.
• Do not try to overhaul your home alone. Quick articles or YouTube methods rarely work. These deal breakers require structure and guidance.
• Contact a professional who provides action plans for parents. Show them your six deal breakers and work together to implement them effectively.
If you think I would be a good fit for that role, contact me by email or phone. I will show you exactly how to introduce those deal breakers into your home. It is the same method I have already used in dozens of other homes with excellent results.
The boundaries go on paper. The boundaries create structure. The boundaries produce a new outcome with your children. You will see your teenager or young adult move in the direction you want them to go and begin to succeed more and more each week. Get your teen or young adult child off of drugs, off of alcohol, and into responsibility.
Get the behavior you want from your child.
I will teach you how to train the skills you want into your teen.
I will do it with you, and in extreme cases I can do it for you.
I have templates, resources, and real-life examples you can model.
Let’s talk.
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P.S. If it is not you that is struggling with a youth, it may be a friend or family member. Your welcome to call me now and tell me about them. I can help you get them started in a new direction. 403-391-4184
