There are 2 different outcomes for a teenager’s life in the photos below. The teens on the left are receiving national science fair awards in British Columbia, Canada. The outcome on the right exists in Canada too, and it exists just down the street you’re living on, at your teenagers school, and in various house parties all across the city that you are living in.
Can you imagine what it would feel like to hear about someone else’s teenager going downhill fast and into drugs? Then discovering that your teenager was just brought home by the police for the first time? The panic, the denial, and some more panic would course through your veins. Panic that your child might slip into drugs, alcohol, cutting, and disrespectful behavior.
Would it not feel a lot better to watch your teen select between achievements they can pursue instead of select between types of drugs? Would it not feel better to feel like the parents of the teenagers in the photo on the left?
I bet you would like your teen to be receiving awards like that, wouldn’t you?
Let’s get you what you want as a parent and help your teen avoid the rabbit hole. Let’s give you the confidence and surety your teenagers are going to make it in this world and be able provide for themselves.
Luck? Maybe a little. Sure, there’s some DNA involved in any teenager’s success — that’s a given. But there’s much more at play.
The young people on the left have been pushed, encouraged, and held accountable to do productive things and solve problems from an early age. Because of that, they never went down any rabbit holes — they probably don’t even know what a rabbit hole is.
The teens whose lives look like the picture on the right were likely left to figure life out on their own. Their parents assumed they’d “just get it.”
Let’s back up and look at the solution. Yes, depression, low self-esteem, anxiety, impulsiveness, self-harm, addiction, and trauma all exist. But I’ve never met a teenager dropped off at a self-esteem clinic who came out with self-esteem. I’ve never met one who left a self-harm program feeling invincible, or an addict who walked out of counseling never tempted again.
What I have seen are young people conditioned — over time — to have self-esteem, to not self-harm, and to resist temptation.
One key type of conditioning is addressing complaining. Complaints left unchecked can spiral into destructive behaviors like drug use or even crime — a nightmare for parents trying to raise responsible teens. Wouldn’t it be a relief if your teenager took responsibility for solving their own problems, freeing you from constant emotional strain?
So how did the teens in Tom’s past get better?
The troubled teens who became successful were pushed through an intense problem-solving routine in everyday life, paired with targeted counseling. Treatment centers emphasize this so much that many require a “treatment-center-like home” environment after discharge. Some won’t even take a new patient unless the family agrees to learn how to build that same structure at home.
The real transformation — depression lifted, anxiety resolved, self-esteem boosted, self-harm stopped, addiction curbed — comes after the young person learns to solve problems. It’s not just therapy that changes them; it’s the problem-solving process itself.
It always comes back to problem solving and self-awareness. Always.
This is part 3 of a 3-part series.
When your child complains about anything, ask this: “What are you going to do about it?”
Ask it every time they share bad news — a poor report card, a breakup, a skinned knee. This question forces them to think in terms of consequences and actions. It won’t go smoothly at first, but after years of this, they’ll develop the kind of thinking that builds resilience — the kind that resists drugs, peer pressure, money problems, bullying, sexual problems and more.
After asking them the first question, then ask them “So what do you want?” Note their answer and repeat it back to them.
After asking the two questions above, say to them “Let’s make a plan with an odd number of steps to accomplish what you want”. The amount of total steps does not matter, what matters is that it is an odd number. Why? Well it is quite simple.
They start the plan — learning to be self-starters and taking ownership of results. They also finish the plan, which keeps them responsible for the outcome. You handle the even-numbered steps, showing them that you’re their teammate, not their boss.
See where this goes? This trains problem-solving into your teen’s DNA. It works for any issue — school bullies, buying a bike, saving for a car, heartbreak, getting off drugs, or a young adult that may need to move home. You should practically be running out of paper from all the action plans you and your teen create together.
Let’s Just Look At The Benefits Of This.
You stop wasting time doing things for your teen or young adult that they don’t want — they’re responsible for step 1.
You become your child’s teammate, not the enemy. (Teen and young adult rebellion is optional.)
Your teen learns to view life as an action plan for creating their own results.
As a parent, you finally get that moment of pride — “I did it. My young person is capable.”
It works, it really does
Take down the poster you put on your fridge from my last parenting tip.
Print off the poster attached to the link below. Fasten it to your fridge.
Then repeat all 3 phrases regardless of the size of your teenager’s complaint.
Write down on paper plenty of 9 step, 7 step, or 5 step action plans.
Watch your teenager learn.
Feel like the parents of the teenagers in the top photo.
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P.S. If it is not you that is struggling with a youth, it may be a friend or family member. Your welcome to call me now and tell me about them. I can help you get them started in a new direction. 403-391-4184
