The Real Difference Between Two Teens

Do you want to know the difference between the two teenagers in the photos above?

The one on the right has parents who are panicking — stressed that their teenager’s life might get worse and possibly trying to phone me right now. The one on the left has parents who are beaming with pride, probably wondering which positive path their son is going to choose next.

The proud parents of the teen on the left might even be wondering how teens like the one on the right didn’t figure it out. How hard can it be? After all, their kid did it.  The worried parents of the teen on the right are probably asking themselves the same thing.

Here’s the truth: it doesn’t take long before a struggling teen finds relief in intoxication. That opens the door to drugs, crime, self-harm, or just hiding in the basement, unmotivated to move forward.  As parents, you start to feel the effects too — tight chest, racing thoughts, dread — as you watch your child spiral and feel helpless to stop it.

It’s Not Motivation — It’s “Not Knowing How”

It is not that the teen on the right is unmotivated for success.  The biggest difference between these two teens is something I’ve heard straight from teenagers themselves:

They don’t know how, and they don’t know what.

They don’t know how to sort out their thoughts. They don’t know what they’re feeling, and they don’t know what they really want.
No one ever taught them.

This is a “not knowing how” problem — not a motivation problem, not a self-esteem problem, and not even a mental health problem. You can’t motivate a teen who doesn’t know how to think through their feelings. If you try, it can actually drive them deeper into isolation.

Before anything else can change, we need to teach them how to understand and work through what’s going on inside.

That’s where you come in.

You can start building this awareness in your child as young as five years old. When you teach your kids how to solve problems and think clearly, it becomes a habit. That habit creates momentum and that momentum keeps them out of trouble later on.

It works. Treatment centers do this all the time — just later in the game. But you can use the same tools now, before the problems take over.

The Two Questions That Change Everything

In my last newsletter, I shared a simple question you can ask your teen when they complain:

“1. What are you going to do about it?”

This is the first step to getting their brain engaged in problem solving instead of helplessness.

But there’s a second question — one that works just as powerfully:

“2. So what do you want?”

That’s it. It’s simple. But it cuts through.

I first heard it from my public speaking mentor, Michael Losier. I also remember my psychologist asking me something similar when I was 22, deep in addiction, struggling with hallucinations and suicidal thoughts.

He asked me:

“Tom, what do you want by the time you’re 30? And what steps have you taken to get there?”

That question changed my life.

With some support, a few books, and a recovery group, I got off drugs. I got a job. Then a mortgage. Then rental properties. Then I became a public speaker, helping teens like me.

I didn’t take a course on self-esteem. I didn’t get taught how to grow up. But I did grow up. I did gain confidence. And I did find peace.

Why? Because someone taught me how to solve problems, and that gave me everything else.

You can do the same for your teen.